How We Love

by Milan and Kay Yerkovich

Relationship experts Milan, a pastoral counselor, and his wife, Kay, a marriage and family therapist, explain why the ways you and your spouse relate to each other go back to before you even met. The idea is simple: How we were parented as children shapes an “intimacy imprint” that quietly runs our marriages.

They organize this around five insecure love styles people develop in childhood. Each one carries its own patterns into adult relationships.

• The Avoider pulls away from closeness
• The Pleaser seeks constant approval
• The Vacillator swings between craving and resisting intimacy
• The Controller needs control to feel safe
• The Victim feels powerless in conflict

Rather than just naming these patterns, the book gives couples reflective exercises to identify their own style and its roots. The focus is on personal healing over trying to change a spouse.

Although not a quick fix, How We Love helps couples recognize these old patterns and opens the door to deeper trust and lasting intimacy.