Wrapped up in every family history – threaded invisibly throughout the memories – is money. How a family gets, guards, gives, and grapples with money is all part of a family’s identity. Do your family members agree on these financial practices? Getting on the same page is possible; it just may require some intentional conversations.
Our family loves to play games whenever we get together. One of our favorites is called Wavelength. (I highly recommend it.) The goal of the game is for teams to get on the same page on a given topic. As you might guess, everyone quickly discerns they are not all on the same page every time. But we get better as the game goes on, and we gain a mutual understanding of one another.
As we play this game that practices getting on the same page, we are setting the culture of our family. Through intentional effort, we can reach an agreement – in silly scenarios fabricated through a game and in real, practical, and serious matters, such as wealth and resources.
For some of us, finances are still a bit of a taboo subject, especially within a family where we want to guard the peace and joy we share together. Yet Jesus talked about wealth frequently, at length, and in great detail. He said that how we interact with our treasures says something about the condition of our hearts (Matthew 6:21). Having proactive and healthy conversations regarding money is wise if we want to avoid family strife down the road and see our heirs carry on the legacy of generosity we have begun. Starting conversations like this may be difficult, but you might find it easier with the following ideas.
5 conversations to have as a family
Asking good questions sparks thoughtful conversations and can help your family get on the same page with clarity and confidence. Here are five questions and some insight to guide your family as you seek to make financial decisions.
1. Who really owns the things we have?
Near the end of his reign, King David went on a massive giving spree, which inspired the same incredible generosity in others and ended in a giant worship service (1 Chronicles 29). Psalm 24:1 (which David wrote years before) gives us a hint at how it was so easy for him to just give everything to God. He says, “The earth is the Lord’s and the fullness thereof, the world and those who dwell therein.” God is the owner of everything. Because he made it, it is his. But he has chosen to share it with us.
Many Christians are unaware of this fundamental teaching from Scripture, so they view a tithe as a sort of tax, giving God his portion. But the truth is, there is no “portion” that belongs to God. It’s all his. We’re just managing it.
2. What assets have been entrusted to our family, and why?
God has entrusted us with certain tangible assets – cash, cars, real estate, stocks, businesses. etc. – and certain intangible assets as well. Ken Boa says God gives us five things to steward: time, talent, treasure, truth, and relationships. It is good to take a mental inventory of these five things occasionally. Then, ask: Why has God given us what we have? How do we honor his trust in us by making the most of them? Where does he want our family to invest what he has entrusted into our care?
These are questions that can only be answered through our relationship with God and each other.
3. How much is enough?
Some people inherit great wealth. Others find themselves more successful than they ever thought they would be. Some people work hard, see consistent return for their efforts, and end up with more than they need. Do you have a plan for what you will do if you find yourself in one of these scenarios? Maybe you are already there.
When defining how much is enough for your family, there are two finish lines to consider. The first is a lifestyle finish line that answers how we will spend our resources to sustain our needs and bring us joy. The second is a lifetime finish line that answers the question of how much we will accumulate for the future.
Setting these finish lines helps ensure money never becomes more important to us than it should be, and often reminds us of the importance of sharing with others. If we don’t set these guidelines, we are at risk of overspending and over-accumulating … it’s just the American way.
4. When passing on wealth to others, where will it go and when will it get there?
The Bible says, “An inheritance gained hastily in the beginning will not be blessed in the end” (Proverbs 20:21). Wealth is like fire. In the fireplace, it brings warmth and joy. In a forest, it can spread uncontrolled and unpredictably, causing damage. One way misplaced wealth is most destructive is in our family relationships. It can really put us on opposite pages.
Wealth may be inanimate, but it has power to kindle parched dreams, to change a person’s standard of living, to enable a measure of autonomy. Without wealth, a person faces one set of circumstances. With wealth, the picture changes dramatically. When a person’s future hangs in the balance like that, it’s only natural for sensitivities to be heightened, expectations to develop, and emotions to be amplified.
When a wealth-transfer plan is made and communicated to the whole family, everyone knows what to expect, and tensions are lower – especially when preceded by or in concert with the other four money conversations.
5. How do you want your children’s children to view money?
Shifting the focus to future, even distantly future, generations can take pressure off charged conversations. Is your family creating a financial philosophy clear enough and strong enough to last generations? Are you living it out, even finding ways to memorialize it? Are you using wealth to create experiences that strengthen family ties?
Develop a family purpose statement that includes your family’s financial philosophy. What unique purpose does your family have, and how does your family view the stewardship of resources? Ecclesiastes 7:14 challenges us that wisdom should precede wealth. When thinking of future generations, make sure you are prioritizing the transfer of values over the transfer of valuables.
Future generations repeat what they see, not only what we say. If we want to instill values in our children and bury them so deeply that those children will instill them in their children, we have to be intentional about demonstrating what’s important.
As we aspire to get on the same page with our families on these financial matters, a final word of encouragement: You don’t have to go it alone. Help is available. Like-minded advisors can walk alongside you and your family. In bringing them in, the process is far more likely to succeed.
For more stories like this one, sign up for our Saturday 7 newsletter.
