When my family lost my father to ALS 17 years ago, I had a front-row seat to the treatment of widows in a number of spaces, but the one that surprised me most was close to home: the financial space. As a financial advisor myself, I assumed my colleagues and I were adept at working alongside widows. However, my personal experience made me far more aware we might not be.
My mother, Miriam Neff, suddenly became a widow at a much younger age than expected. To her surprise, when she began looking for any kind of assistance – emotional, financial, logistical – she found a void in resources available to her. On top of fresh grief, my mother was financially vulnerable and lacked the knowledge and confidence needed to thrive in this new phase of her life.
She needed to experience the empowerment of learning and sharing her experience with a community. After reaching the point she felt more confident herself, my mom asked me to join her to create what she wished had been available when she needed it.
So, we put our heads together. Leaning on my mother’s background in counseling and my degrees in law and finance, we built a website to fill that void – Widow Connection. The site informs, encourages, and equips widows with skills needed for financial independence.
Before I suggest some ways to help widows based on what we discovered while creating that resource, let’s look at what Scripture says about widows:
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. – James 1:27 (NIV)
Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s cause.
– Isaiah 1:17 (emphasis added)
Scripture puts caring for widows on par with guarding oneself against corruption. It says we (God’s people) are supposed to be pleading on behalf of widows, making their case when they aren’t being heard. James calls this “pure religion.” And those of us who are (or will be) in a position to advise widows have an even greater responsibility to be prepared for this and act wisely.
But are we doing it?
Helping widows gain financial confidence
Whether you are a family member, financial advisor, or friend, how can you help a widow you know? Here are a few things my mother and I learned from our own experience and from talking with other widows that you may find helpful:
- Understand she feels vulnerable – In researching our book, Wise Women Managing Money, my mother and I spoke with women from all walks of life. And no matter their status – single, married, divorced, widowed, from a scarcity of wealth to a surplus – we found most women felt financially vulnerable, whether due to a lack of knowledge, confidence, or protection.
- Respect that she needs time to grieve – Widows we spoke with talked about finding themselves in a position of navigating grief while being pressured to make colossal financial decisions. Oftentimes, widows are handed a large amount of money or assets, and they don’t get to ignore it or put it aside while they grieve because it is public knowledge. Think of military spouses, for example. The armed forces’ death gratuity and pension programs are a Google search away, if not already common knowledge.
As my mom likes to say, chances are, if you have come into money, someone’s going to know it, and someone’s going to want it. From extended family to friends to charities, every widow has someone more interested in what she has gained than who she has lost. - Offer to help when she’s ready – A widow is, more likely than not, distanced from financial advisors and lacking financial confidence due to being shut out of financial conversations until this pivotal point in her life. And, research shows, a widow who has felt excluded from the conversation is likely to choose a new advisor within a year of her husband’s death. Wise advisors will learn to first show compassion while a widow is grieving and be available for questions until it is the right time to begin talking about financial plans.
- Encourage and empower her to make decisions – If a widow is making significant financial decisions for the first time, it may feel daunting. But investing, giving, and passing a bit of financial security to the next generation does not have to be complicated. Show her how to use simple, set-and-forget investing techniques. Take some pressure off by letting her know giving can start small. And empower her to be confident about her decisions. Make sure she knows it’s okay to say “no” or “not now,” and that she can take all the time she needs to figure out her next steps.
- Recognize the important role of the widow in the transfer of wealth – Traditionally, when we think of passing wealth from one generation to the next, we envision a father or grandfather divvying up his assets near the end of his life. However, more likely than not, that task will be left to his widow. If you are an advisor working with couples, be sure to include the spouse when talking about financial finish lines and legacy planning. Wives are often left out of these discussions, but, ultimately, they may be implementing the plan. Be sure the goals are her goals, too.
Scripture tells us God is a widow’s defender (Psalm 68:5). But since we, too, are called to plead her case, how can we become better advocates for her? We must guard her time of mourning with patience and reverence. Then, we must empower her and respect her decision-making. If we have financial wisdom, let’s offer it with open hands, knowing she is now the ultimate gatekeeper of her family’s assets and legacy.
